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"Why do my eyes hurt?" "You've never used them before." Wow, real eyes realize real lies.
Hello humans of the internet! My name is Ehis and I am on a journey of cinematic education! I've seen a lot of movies in my time, don't get me wrong, but there are also a lot of classics that I haven't gotten around to — either because of a lack of romance, the fact that the film was made before 1995, or that I am the child of immigrants and my parents didn't like movies with explosions, guns, or things that couldn't be explained by science.
So, this holiday season, I decided to kick off my movie-cation with none other than The Matrix. The latest film in the franchise came out on Christmas Day, so what better time than now to dive into the original?
Netflix
Now, I feel like it's important to note that I know NOTHING about this film other than that there are red and blue DayQuil pills and Keanu Reeves does some sick backbends.
Island Pictures
So, even though no one asked, I decided to watch The Matrix for the first time and give you my thoughts anyway:
Before we hop in, here's the description that HBO Max gives for The Matrix:
HBO Max
"A computer hacker joins forces with rebel warriors to battle a malevolent cyber-intelligence." OK, she's not giving much, but we love going in without spoilers!
1. Right off the bat, I'm hearing about some dude being ~the one~. I can only assume it's Keanu Reeves, but who's to say!
Warner Bros.
I hope understanding code is not a prerequisite for this film.
2. Something tells me that the cops won't be able to "handle her"...AND I WAS RIGHT!
Warner Bros.
Wow, four minutes in and I'm already getting the iconic float-kick-run-across-the-walls scene.
3. Like, is she a superhero? Also, why does Hugo Weaving wanna kill her? And who is this informant they speak of?
Warner Bros.
In case you couldn't figure it out, a bitch is HOOKED!
4. Something tells me I'm going to have a million questions before I get a single answer...
Warner Bros.
I know this is a pivotal part in the film, but I can only focus on young Keanu lookin' like a snack.
5. "Follow the white rabbit"? Like Alice in Wonderland??
Walt Disney
*Alexa, play "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane.*
6. FOLLOW! THE! WHITE! RABBIT!
Warner Bros.
And so our characters meet. If Neo and Trinity don't fall in love, Imma riot.
7. OK, I'm glad me and Neo have the same question, but why is Neo in danger? AND WHY IS TRINITY NOT GIVING HOMEBOY MORE ANSWERS???
Warner Bros.
If I found out someone was trying to hurt/kill me, I would want more answers.
8. MORPHEUS HAS MADE CONTACT!
Warner Bros.
"They're coming for you Neo, and I don't know what they'll do." Can Morpheus and Trinity PLS give my dude some more answers...or at least a bit more lead time?
9. Agent Smith is saying that Morpheus is dangerous...but is it because he has all the knowledge and knowledge is power???
Warner Bros.
WAKE UP, SHEEPLE! As of right now, I'm #TeamMorpheus.
10. "What good is a phone call if you're unable to speak?" UM, WHAT THE FUCK??? AND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE Y'ALL ARE THE GOOD GUYS???
Warner Bros.
Hugo Weaving, I was rooting for you!!! I'm HELLA #TeamMorpheus NOW! LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT BUG IN THE BELLYBUTTON SHIT??
11. AT LAST, INDEED!
Warner Bros.
OK, but when do we get to the pills? The only things I know about this film are that Morpheus/Laurence Fishburne is, like, an important dude; there's something with Neo dodging bullets; and there's a red pill and a blue pill.
12. OK, I am LIVING for these Alice in Wonderland references...
Warner Bros.
After I finish, Imma look up and see if the Wachowskis were inspired by the novel. But not now. I don't want any spoilers.
13. "It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth...unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is, you have to see it for yourself."
Warner Bros.
OK, that sent a chill down my spine.
14. ENTER THE PILLS!!!
Warner Bros.
OK, so the blue pill keeps you in the dark, but the red pill takes you to Wonderland. Now I know.
15. Imma be honest...I don't know which pill I'd take!
Warner Bros.
But I'm glad Neo took the red pill because, you know, plot.
16. WHOA!
Warner Bros.
It's giving Alice Through the Looking Glass.
17. What. The fuck. Am I watching?
Warner Bros.
Maybe he should have taken the blue pill...
18. Was he...reborn? Or reawakened? AM I CURRENTLY LIVING IN A POD UNLESS I TAKE A RED PILL?
Warner Bros.
I can already tell this movie is going to be more intense than I had originally thought.
19. WE'RE LIVING IN A SIMULATION!!!
Warner Bros.
Not me reaching for my tin hat...
20. Somehow, the Matrix being a mechanism to harvest energy from human beings for A.I. is the LEAST far-fetched thing about this film:
Warner Bros.
"I didn't say it would be easy, Neo. I said it would be the truth."
21. Neo is the one! He will free us all.
Warner Bros.
Let the hero's journey begin.
22. CUE TRAINING MONTAGE!
Warner Bros.
I bet you do, Neo!
23. OK, why is this the most iconic line in the film so far...
Warner Bros.
"Free yo mind!"
24. OK, Neo is the one to defeat Hugo Weaving and co.
Warner Bros.
This is payback for morphing his mouth shut and sticking a scorpion in his bellybutton.
25. You're telling the chosen one to run? Not fight? I do not trust this dude.
Warner Bros.
Is no one loyal anymore?
26. WHAT DID I JUST SAY???
Warner Bros.
See: above.
27. Why is it that anytime someone goes and sees an oracle, they say some shit like this:
Warner Bros.
I'm looking at you, Harry Potter prophecy.
28. Morpheus getting bested by the Agents makes my heart hurt:
Warner Bros.
If Morpheus dies, I die.
29. Just because you're tired doesn't mean everyone else was tired!
Warner Bros.
Kill this man. Abeg.
30. YAASSS TANK! KILL THAT MAN!
Warner Bros.
I love instant gratification.
31. LET'S GO!!!
Warner Bros.
If this whole thing turns out to be a Matrix within a Matrix, Imma lose my shit.
32. I hate this dude and I hope Neo and Trinity roll thru and whoop his ass, but damn if I don't agree with this sentiment and this sentiment alone:
Warner Bros.
We are the virus!
33. OK, I hate guns, but this whole fighting montage was cool as shit:
Warner Bros.
"There is no spoon."
34. MORPHEUS LIVES!
Warner Bros.
Looks like all those bullets paid off!
35. The oracle really had me in the first half...
Warner Bros.
This movie is hitting me with so much KNOWLEDGE!
36. OMG, TRINITY AND MORPHEUS MADE IT OUT, BUT NEO IS STILL IN!
Warner Bros.
Honestly, I'm glad he's still in there so he can kill this Agent Smith clown once and for all.
37. "Stop trying to hit him and hit him!"
Warner Bros.
HE BELIEVES!!!
38. Somehow, Agent Smith can't die...and it looks like he got Neo...BUT TRINITY'S LOVE WILL SAVE HIM AND MANKIND!
Warner Bros.
*Grabs Kleenex*
39. This oracle deserves a raise.
Warner Bros.
Behind every strong man is an even stronger woman.
40. THEIR LOVE SAVED MANKIND!
Warner Bros.
Man, I bet Neo is glad that he followed the White Rabbit now.
MY OH MY! OK, this was a roller coaster and a half. I felt like every time I thought I knew where the plot was going, I was led in the complete OTHER DIRECTION! Needless to say, I'm now going to make obsessing over The Matrix my entire personality from now on. Time to go watch The Matrix: Reloaded!
Warner Bros.
Keanu has been hittin' us with the whoa since 1999.
English (US) ·