"'The Power Of The Dog' Is A Weird Movie Title," And 95 More Thoughts I Had While Watching It

With 12 nominations at this year's Oscars, the most of any film, The Power of the Dog has certainly established itself as a big-deal movie.

So I decided to watch the movie — which I knew very little about in advance — and document thoughts I had along the way!

Warning: This article contains mentions of suicide and homophobia, as well as just some real dick moves.

Here are 96 thoughts I had while watching The Power of the Dog.

If you don't want any spoilers, turn back now! Run! Leave! For the love of god, save yourself!

1. LOL, the first subtitles are "[pensive music playing]."

2. Wow, that stairway extravaganza is beautiful.

3. Ooooh. Jesse Plemons is in the bath and just asked Benedict Cumberbatch, "You ever try the house bath, Phil?" Ooooh la la.

4. And Phil [Benedict Cumberbatch] just totally shuts him down.

5. These shots are really pretty.

6. Stop calling Jesse Plemons "fatso."

7. Also, what? Benedict Cumberbatch and Jesse Plemons have been doing this for 25 years? That feels so long for how old they are.

8. Yeah, LOL. Google tells me that Jesse Plemons is 33. He was a very precocious 8-year old.

9. Yep, and this son is too old to be Kirsten Dunst's.

10. Wow, his art is good!!!

11. The Power of the Dog is a weird movie title.

12. I'm into these pants on the boys. They're fun.

13. Is this what chaps are? Or are chaps just the, like, protection part?

14. Is Jesse Plemons really Benedict Cumberbatch's brother? If so, don't go to a brothel together.

15. So, 25 years ago, apparently Jesse Plemons' character was in college. He was either a bonkers young college student, which seems unlikely, or Jesse Plemons is playing a character who is, at minimum, 14 years older than he is.

16. Oh, the kid isn't Kirsten Dunst's son, at least not biologically, so at least that's good.

17. Benedict Cumberbatch, stop being a dick to the kid. It's not even funny roasting; it's just weird and full of heavily implied, "You aren't a real man!!!"

18. Jesus Christ, Benedict Cumberbatch is aggressive.

19. Oh, I love that the kid's way of soothing himself is to hula-hoop — that's so funny.

20. Wait, Benedict Cumberbatch and Jesse Plemons sleep in the same bed? They're totally together.

21. I'm 25 minutes into the movie, and it's kind of boring.

22. "The tomato soup queen?" What does that mean? Is "tomato soup" a sex thing I don't know about? What sex thing would be called "tomato soup"? That feels like that's not an applicable name for anything.

23. Gotta love the way Benedict Cumberbatch is talking about women.

24. Oh my god, I'm watching an open cow being cut.

25. Jesse Plemons and Kirsten Dunst are married? I know it's 1925, but that feels so quick.

26. Oh my god, don't hurt your horse, Benedict Cumberbatch! I don't want to watch that.

27. Nothing is in Kirsten Dunst's tea glass; she is holding it far too precariously.

28. "Tea glass" is not the correct phrase.

29. Should I watch Friday Night Lights? Jesse Plemons is in that, right?

30. So Kirsten Dunst and Jesse Plemons are having sex — or, like, hooking up — and Benedict Cumberbatch can hear them, but is it just me, or are they moaning far too quickly? We're seconds in, and it's already loud moans. Maybe she's a tomato soup queen.

31. Why are we so obsessed with Bronco Henry?

32. Whoa, that's Benedict Cumberbatch's butt!

33. Dogs! I see dogs for the first time! Maybe these dogs provide the movie title?

34. I just laughed out loud at Benedict Cumberbatch playing the song Kirsten Dunst is trying to play on the piano on his banjo. That's amazing psychological torture.

35. He's such a fucking asshole, hahahaha.

36. Benedict Cumberbatch is fantastic. He's so good in this.

37. Why are they calling the governor "His Nibs"? What is that?

38. What if Benedict Cumberbatch came to this fancy dinner in his Doctor Strange outfit?

39. This scene with Kirsten Dunst playing piano at the party is hard for me to watch. It's so uncomfortable.

40. Benedict Cumberbatch is so evil.

41. I feel like now this movie is getting somewhere for me.

42. I don't know what Benedict Cumberbatch did to that cow, but I don't need to watch it.

43. The kid is so brave for coming out to where Benedict Cumberbatch and co. are.

44. A dog! The kid is playing with a dog! Does that dog provide the movie title?

46. Oh me god, is he dissecting the rabbit???

47. Another dog! Which is DJ Khaled's new catchphrase.

48. What is Benedict Cumberbatch doing with this cloth?

49. The kid found Benedict Cumberbatch's pamphlets with pictures of naked men. Pamphlets? Magazines?

50. ...I don't really have a "thought" about that, but it's noteworthy story-wise, so I feel like I need to mention it.

51. Jesus Christ, the homophobia being directed toward this kid.

52. Now Benedict Cumberbatch is being nice to the kid. Yep. He knows too much.

54. And yes, I'm going to do that every time I see dogs, if that wasn't clear already.

55. I mean every time I see dogs in the movie, not just like dogs out my window as I'm watching this. LOL, that would be amazing.

56. I can't hear about Bronco Henry anymore.

57. No, kid, don't go out alone with Benedict Cumberbatch. He's gonna kill you.

58. I really like this movie now.

59. A dog! The hill looks like a dog! I would bet $10,000 that we have the dog that provides the movie title, folks!

60. Also, I don't see how this hill looks like a dog at all.

61. Oh, I see it now! I guess Bronco Henry taught me a few things too.

62. Are we all Bronco Henry? Is Bronco Henry a metaphor?

63. This movie is so good now, folks.

64. This kid is so done with Kirsten Dunst now. So over her.

65. Why would anyone ever wear a white shirt while cowboying? That's like having a white carpet if you have kids.

66. Oh no, a dead animal! I don't want to see this!

67. Also, movie, I get it. Someone's gonna die. You've seeded it enough. I don't need to continue seeing dead animals.

68. Oh hi, Jesse Plemons, you're back!

69. Can you believe Bronco Henry didn't start riding until he was the kid's age? You learn something new about Bronco Henry every day.

70. This game of scaring animals is so mean.

71. Oh no, the bunny's leg is so hurt!

72. And now it's dead. The kid killed the bunny.

73. These poor people have no sunscreen.

74. I guess people would say, "Boozing it up" in the 1920s, but it feels out of place in this movie.

75. What if Bronco Henry is the kid's dad? What a small world that would be.

76. Oh my god, the kid found his father right after he hanged himself. Then he cut down his father. That's so sad, oh my god. That's horrible.

77. Benedict Cumberbatch is the most evil person ever. He burns hides so no one else can have them. Who does that? Why? What small-time evil.

78. Benedict Cumberbatch is so good in this, oh my god. He's amazing.

79. This scene with Benedict Cumberbatch and the kid about the hides is great.

80. Are they gonna kiss??? He's a child!

81. No kiss, thank god. He's a child!

82. The kid and Benedict Cumberbatch have a real sexual vibe now.

83. Like this rope scene is a sex scene without sex.

85. Wow, Benedict Cumberbatch is dressed up now. I don't think he's been in not cowboy clothes or naked once the whole movie.

86. Ugh, his hand is groooooss.

87. This land is so beautiful.

88. Oh my god, coffins! Benedict Cumberbatch died.

89. Benedict Cumberbatch is a completely different person without the beard, hahaha.

90. Totally not a cowboy anymore at all anymore. Now he's an English psychiatrist.

91. The kid killed Benedict Cumberbatch, right?

93. The power of the dog is a thing in the Bible! I did not see that coming! The whole time it was a thing in the Bible!

94. Is Bronco Henry the dog?

95. This movie started with voiceover from the kid, and we haven't had any since. I don't like that.

96. Yeah, the kid's smile at how happy Kirsten Dunst and Jesse Plemons are shows he killed Benedict Cumberbatch. Also, that's consistent with the voiceover at the beginning.

That's it! That's The Power of the Dog!

It took a while to grow on me, but then it really did! I get why it's nominated for 12 Oscars. This movie is stellar.

If you haven't seen The Power of the Dog, you should watch it! And also, why have you read this far?